Marni's World

My thought on week 6 of Couch to 5k.

Wed, 22 May 2013 17:49:30 -0400

My thought on week 6 of Couch to 5k.

Rufus, the bear cub with alcoholic tendencies, and I propose a...

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:18:11 -0400

Rufus, the bear cub with alcoholic tendencies, and I propose a toast! To warm weather, sunshine and tropical beverages!

Where's Walletdo?

Thu, 09 May 2013 18:21:38 -0400

Marni’s World:

In early March, when I was in the depths of a shingles and robotussin induced haze, I took an ill-fated jaunt outside to fetch myself some orange juice. When I returned from my trip, I had lost my wallet. I feared it was lost forever, but today it returned home from an incredible journey. Here is what I think it saw while it was gone:

1. Amelia Earhart

2. All my right socks

3. Bigfoot (note: did HE have my socks?)

4. The Cooler Ranch Doritos Taco

5. The Holy Grail ( note: Is this redundant with number 4?)

6. The fabled lost city, Atlantis

7. The resort and casino, Atlantis

8. The Heart of the Ocean necklace

9. Oz the Great and Powerful (note: I wonder if it liked it? Movie did get mixed reviews…)

10. A few pigeons and a lot of garbage (it did come back to NYC after all)

Real World:

A good Samaritan just returned my wallet with all of its contents still inside. My faith in people has been renewed, along with my drivers license. Big thanks to a nice lady named Carmen for saving me a trip to the DMV and returning a fine leather good back to its mama.

What I Talk About When I Talk About Trying to Run

Tue, 07 May 2013 19:59:00 -0400

I am currently on week 5 of my “Couch to 5K” program. “Couch to 5K” is for lazy bones like myself who saw Hunger Games, realized that they would die two seconds in, and decided to make some life changes. And as learning how to shoot an arrow at a squirrel seemed like it would be frowned upon in Manhattan, I decided to try my hand (foot?) at running. I had a lot of ideas about what it would be like. Most of them were wrong.

Marni’s World: “I’m a young woman in relatively good health, this should be a breeze.”
Real World: Who knew running was so damn hard? Or that I would find myself being outpaced by old ladies with corgis? Or that my thighs would be constantly sore? Running is hard.
I have a new found respect for the joggers who I used to judge from my comfortable picnic blanket. Next time, I’ll be sure to raise my solo cup of twist-cap wine to those brave soldiers! You go, runners, you go!

Marni’s World: “These old Forever 21 shorts are perfect for running.”
Real World: Turns out that you should always ensure that the elasticity of your running pants have not been compromised by age and thousands of trips through the washing machine before you head out on a jaunt. This will help you avoid the possibility of showing your butt to the entire West Side Highway.

Marni’s World: “Waking up early for a jog will be invigorating!”
Real World: Jogging in the morning means I’m tired all day because my body just did more exercise before 8 am than it did in all of 2010 and 2011 combined. And, unlike when I come home from an evening run and get to lay very very still on the couch, I have to be a productive member of Manhattan’s workforce. Woof.

Marni’s World: “These 8 weeks will pretty much just be a movie montage of me wearing cute terry cloth headbands and running as Eye of the Tiger plays!”
Real World: Unfortunately I have still not been granted my wish of being able to montage through boring and difficult life phases. And even if I was able to montage it, it’d be more a montage of me sweating and panting as Baby Beluga plays.

Welp, only 3 weeks to go! (or 9 weeks if I “want to do 10k”, which I don’t. ever)

First Nice Day

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:11:00 -0400

Marni’s World:

I love this iced coffee. I love not wearing a coat. I love my spring dress. I love the sunshine. I love the light breeze. I love the blue skies. I love this song. I love this other song too. I love that corgi over there. I love these daffodils over here. I love Washington Square Park. I love the weirdos on that bench. I love New York. I love you. I love everyone.
Did I mention I love my iced coffee?

Real World:

The first really nice day of spring turns me into Pollyanna and makes me temporarily forget all the things I hate . Except winter. I effing hate winter.

Let's do the Shingle JIngle!

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 12:14:00 -0400

Marni’s World:

I am finally on the mend after a nasty and unsightly bout of shingles.
During the depths of my shingledom, I did some in-depth WebMD research and found that most people get shingles in their 60s. As I am in my twenties, I thought this was a bit odd. Why did the virus assume I was a senior citizen? Could it be:

1. My consumption of television programs such as Jeopardy!, 60 Minutes, and Downton Abbey?

2. The fact that I call dubstup music “horrible noise?”

3. My extremely poor eyesight?

4. My bad back?

5. The thrill I get when I get an notification from the New York Public Library?

6. My frequent NPR listening?

7. My excellent collection of cardigans?

8. My “comfortable” heels?

9. My love of the film It’s Complicated ?

10. My excitement over new yogurt flavors?

11. All of the above?

Real World:

Apparently you can trigger shingles from a lot of things besides just being/acting old. Like lack of sleep for instance. So, maybe that time I went to bed on a weeknight after 11pm could be to blame.

Passover II

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 20:11:00 -0400

Marni’s World:

Passover is all about religiously avoiding delicious, tempting carbohydrates. So, remind me again…how is this night different from all other nights?

Real World:

A mystery illness is preventing me from spending Passover with my family, but I hope everyone has a happy, macaroon-filled Pesach!

The Break Up

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 16:56:19 -0400

Marni’s World:

Dear Winter,

Hey, so we need to talk.

Remember in late November, when we first got together? It was so nice and cozy, you with your charming light snow falls and crisp, sunny days, and me with my new sweaters and attractive earmuffs. The holidays were coming, and being bundled up with a cup of mulled wine just felt right. We didn’t care that the days were shorter, for every night there was a party of some sorts, with plenty of latkes and gingerbread cookies all around. It was a wonderland.

Then it was January, and we were filled with excitement for the new year. All the things we would do, you and I! We’d loose 15 lbs and learn Portuguese! It was going to be great, we had the whole year ahead of us.

But somewhere around February, things got sour. On Valentine’s day, you greeted me with freezing rain. Certainly wasn’t a box of chocolates, now was it? But things didn’t get any better from there. There were fewer crisp sunny winter days and more grey skies, more slush, more cold winds, so many runny noses. I lost a mitten and I think somewhere along the way, we lost track of each other. And you never did learn Portuguese after all.

And now that its March, I think, well, I think we need a break. Today it’s snowing. Tonight it will be sleeting. And far from being cozy, that’s just downright cruel.

This just isn’t working for me anymore and I think this relationship has run its course. In fact, I would even go as far to say that you’ve outstayed your welcome.

I would say it’s not you, but of course it is. You’re dark and you’re cold! I need someone a bit warmer, someone who will lighten things up a bit ‘round here.

Maybe we can try again in 8 months or so, but for now…get the hell out of my life.

xoxo,

Marni

Real World:
I am so over winter. Where is Spring?!

Sanders' World

Fri, 15 Mar 2013 11:55:04 -0400

Happy Friday everyone! My favorite intern, Sanders, was kind enough to share his hopes and dreams with us today. Enjoy!

Sanders’ World:

1.1 miles

2003 yards

6009 feet

1030 Giraffe’s Necks

153 T-Rexs

223 Weinermobiles

18027 Tongues

6555 Sheets of Paper

54 Female Blue Whales

85 Rapunzel Hairs

848 Shaq’s

20 Redwood Trees

4 Empire State Buildings

1 Brooklyn Bridge

100 NYC Subway Cars

22 NYC Blocks

2311 Strides

9014 Slices of Pizza

Real World:

Joe’s Pizza, in my opinion the best pizza in NYC, just opened a new location on 14th and 3rd, 1.1 miles closer to me. Let the pizza diet commence.

Deep Thoughts About Candy

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 10:14:23 -0500

Marni’s World:

1. Sea Salt Caramels. Um, what was humanity doing for the last 2,000 plus years if not putting sea salt in caramel? Like why is this new thing? It’s so delicious that I’m just kind of mad at everyone for not inventing it sooner. I blame it all on Jacques Costeau. Dude was supposed to know everything about the ocean, but he never told us about sea salt caramels. He didn’t know ANYTHING.

2. Cadbury Mini Eggs: What’s with all the seasonal displays of Easter candy with Peeps and Cadbury Creme Eggs and jelly beans but no Cadbury Mini Eggs? I see people with Cabdury Mini Eggs but nary my grocery store nor the six Duane Reades I pass on my way home have them. Gosh golly gee damn it, where are all the effin’ Cadbury Mini Eggs?! Who is responsible for this gross miscarriage of justice?

3. Green Sour Patch Kids and Yellow Starbursts: Why do they even make these? Who is enjoying these candy pariahs? No one. They just get in the way of decent hardworking, delicious red and orange candies who don’t loaf about being just “okay tasting.”

4. Australian Licorice: Have you tried Australian Licorice? It is soft and flavorful and comes in tantalizing flavors like mango and kiwi. I would consider myself a fairly patriotic lady, but America needs to step its licorice game up if we are to truly compete in this global economy. Eating American licorice, (I’m looking at you, Twizzlers) is almost identical, from taste, texture, and nutritional standpoints, to chewing on a plastic straw. And honestly, Twizzler, do you call that flavor strawberry? What nerve. Go sit in the corner with the green sourpatch kids.

Real World:

I’m trying to eat healthy lately, but just because I’m not eating candy doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it. A lot.

Are you following me on twitter yet? There’s some real...

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 18:38:45 -0500

Are you following me on twitter yet? There’s some real deep thoughts happening over at http:///twitter.com/MarniKHayes

Marni’s World Presents: Topical Treats Today’s...

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 13:58:12 -0500

Marni’s World Presents: Topical Treats

Today’s recipe: Banana Joe Pancakes!

Marni’s World: What with Valentine’s Day right...

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 15:14:22 -0500

Marni’s World:

What with Valentine’s Day right around the corner and all, I was inspired by the romance of the holiday to create a series of Valentine’s Day cards. I thought, what is the most romantic thing in the world? And then it came to me; Cheese.

Share these with your nearest and dearest, so they know how much they (and fermented dairy products) mean to you.

New York Fairy Tales Volume 1

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 12:02:00 -0500

A steady diet of romantic comedies, sitcoms and novels have all convinced me that many magical things are bound to happen to me, seeing as I am a twenty something girl, working in media, in New York City. Here is the first of many:

Marni’s World:
As I walk to work in the morning, I inadvertently walk through photo shoot for a designer fragrance. As I, completely unaware and in deep thought about world issues, pass by the camera, the photographer does a double take.
“By Golly!” he’ll shout, “She’s got it! She’s got the look we need!”

He’ll send his charming assistant to run after me and after a lot of me saying “I couldn’t possibly! I’m not a model, you see, I’m just a regular, old twenty something girl!” and him saying “But you don’t understand, you’ve got the look! The look we need, gosh darn it!” I will reluctantly agree to be in a few photos.

Overnight, I am on billboards and become a fashion sensation. Karl Lagerfeld decides to give me his cat, Choupette, in order to win me as his new muse. I tell everyone “This is so unexpected! I’m just regular, old twenty something girl who happens to be the face of her generation.”

Real World:

I walk through a photo shoot, and as I pass the camera, the photographer yells “Get her out of the shot! Why do these people keep walking into my goddamn shot!? Where the hell is security?”
This is, unfortunately, nothing like Funny Face.

January 1st: It’s a new year! Time to start on the right...

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 16:37:04 -0500

January 1st: It’s a new year! Time to start on the right foot as a fancy lady! Check me out, staying warm AND stylish. Honestly, it’s not that hard.

January 5th: Okay, well now, it’s getting pretty chilly out there. No problem, we’ll just bust out the puffer coat and some fur lined boots, and we’ll be just fine.

January 15th: Have put on every layer I own. My new style is a cross between Ernest Shackleton and the Michelin Man. Why am I still cold?

January 23rd: “Feels like 0 Degrees” All hope is lost. I’m wearing my comforter everywhere. Full human to marshmallow transformation is complete.

Do you have the symptoms of January Monster-itis? Use this handy...

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:22:27 -0500

Do you have the symptoms of January Monster-itis? Use this handy chart to find out!

Marni’s World:Human citizens of the world, I am afraid to...

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 16:22:00 -0500

Marni’s World:

Human citizens of the world, I am afraid to say that we are living in the midst of a grave injustice.

While our bear friends spend their autumn months carelessly gorging on sweet treats and fatty meats, we are running on treadmills and avoiding leftover Halloween candy.

In January, while our bear friends sleep soundly in their cozy caves, we walk to work in the snow, we slip on ice, we never see the sun, and the flu virus hounds us at every turn.

In spring, when we are desperately juice cleansing and dieting to get back into our bikini bodies, our bear friends wake up from their slumber feeling skinny and well rested.

And all year round, I am very, very sleepy. Meanwhile, those bears feel alert, well rested and confident due to a three month long beauty rest.

So I ask you, fellow humans, why are bears allowed the privileges of hibernation while the modern person must endure all the trials of winter? Especially when THE BEARS are the ones with the fur coats! We don’t even have fur!

Why are bears so special, huh? Just because they can catch a salmon with their bare (bear?) paws? Is that enough of a reason that they should get to snooze while the rest of toil away in the depths of winter? No.

I say we call on United States of America, on the United Nations, on Oprah Winfrey, to declare that hibernation should no longer remain a privilege afforded to the elite (bears,) but a basic and unalienable human right.

Will you join me?

Real World:

Wake me up when it’s spring.

On the 12th Day of My Chosen Winter Holiday, My Significant Other Gave to Me....

Tue, 18 Dec 2012 14:17:00 -0500

I think this song needs an update. I mean, who would want that many live birds? Or would allow random strangers to dance, leap and milk livestock all over their home? Gross.

Plus, I think it needed to be more inclusive, and therefor non-denominational.

So I made some swaps.

On the 12th Day of My Chosen Winter Holiday, My Significant Other Gave to Me….

~~12 Drummers Drumming~~ 12 Summer Houses for Summering
~~11 Pipers Piping~~ 11 iPads for Typing
~~10 Lords a Leaping~~ 10 Duvets for Sleeping
~~9 Ladies a Dancing~~ 9 Mercedes a Driving
~~8 Maids a Milking~~ 8 Handmade Blouses (Silken)
~~7 Swans a Swimming~~ St Johns for Swimming
~~6 Geese a Laying~~ Six Avenue Lease without Paying
~~5 Golden Rings~~ 5 Platinum Rings
~~4 Calling Birds~~ 4 Years of Being Chauffeured
~~3 French Hens~~ 3 French Fountain Pens
~~2 Turtle Doves~~ 2 Cashmere Gloves
~~A Partidge in a Pear Tree~~ A Cartier in a Pear Cut

Not only did I write a new song, I wrote your holiday wish list too. You’re welcome.

Marni’s World: It means no worries for the rest of your...

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 13:26:03 -0500

Marni’s World:

It means no worries for the rest of your holidays.

Real World:

Cracking yourself up is the best gift of all.

Sweater Body

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 20:42:00 -0500

Marni’s World:

Hey ladies,

Come summertime we hear a lot about getting that perfect bikini body, but what about it’s cold weather compatriot, the sweater body?

Ah yes, how do we achieve that optimally lumpy, pale bulk now that we’re entering into the dark, depths of winter?

How do we pack on a layer of blubber to keep us warm on these chilly nights?

How do we get that little extra cushion to pad our falls as we ski, skate and engage in other festive pastimes?

Yes, how do we fill out those oversized sweaters and look just a bit more like Mr.Claus?

Well, sisters, it’s as easy as pie! Literally just eat pie!

..And Christmas cookies. And latkes, and sour cream, and applesauce, and gelt, and candy canes, and shepherd’s pie and hot cocoa with whipped cream, and raclette, and green bean casserole, and cranberry walnut muffins, and mulled wine, and eggnog, and those tasty gingerbread chocolate cookies, and baked brie, and everything else vaguely seasonal and calorie-laden!

Easy.

Real World:

Sending tiny thank you in the universe that carb season and sweater season happen at the same time.

Marni's World

My thought on week 6 of Couch to 5k.

Rufus, the bear cub with alcoholic tendencies, and I propose a...

Where's Walletdo?

What I Talk About When I Talk About Trying to Run

First Nice Day

Let's do the Shingle JIngle!

Passover II

The Break Up

Sanders' World

Deep Thoughts About Candy

Are you following me on twitter yet? There’s some real...

Marni’s World Presents: Topical Treats Today’s...

Marni’s World: What with Valentine’s Day right...

﻿New York Fairy Tales Volume 1

January 1st: It’s a new year! Time to start on the right...

Do you have the symptoms of January Monster-itis? Use this handy...

Marni’s World:Human citizens of the world, I am afraid to...

On the 12th Day of My Chosen Winter Holiday, My Significant Other Gave to Me....

Marni’s World: It means no worries for the rest of your...

Sweater Body

New York Fairy Tales Volume 1