A steady diet of romantic comedies, sitcoms and novels have all convinced me that many magical things are bound to happen to me, seeing as I am a twenty something girl, working in media, in New York City. Here is the first of many:
As I walk to work in the morning, I inadvertently walk through photo shoot for a designer fragrance. As I, completely unaware and in deep thought about world issues, pass by the camera, the photographer does a double take.
“By Golly!” he’ll shout, “She’s got it! She’s got the look we need!”
He’ll send his charming assistant to run after me and after a lot of me saying “I couldn’t possibly! I’m not a model, you see, I’m just a regular, old twenty something girl!” and him saying “But you don’t understand, you’ve got the look! The look we need, gosh darn it!” I will reluctantly agree to be in a few photos.
Overnight, I am on billboards and become a fashion sensation. Karl Lagerfeld decides to give me his cat, Choupette, in order to win me as his new muse. I tell everyone “This is so unexpected! I’m just regular, old twenty something girl who happens to be the face of her generation.”
I walk through a photo shoot, and as I pass the camera, the photographer yells “Get her out of the shot! Why do these people keep walking into my goddamn shot!? Where the hell is security?”
This is, unfortunately, nothing like Funny Face.
January 1st: It’s a new year! Time to start on the right foot as a fancy lady! Check me out, staying warm AND stylish. Honestly, it’s not that hard.
January 5th: Okay, well now, it’s getting pretty chilly out there. No problem, we’ll just bust out the puffer coat and some fur lined boots, and we’ll be just fine.
January 15th: Have put on every layer I own. My new style is a cross between Ernest Shackleton and the Michelin Man. Why am I still cold?
January 23rd: “Feels like 0 Degrees” All hope is lost. I’m wearing my comforter everywhere. Full human to marshmallow transformation is complete.
Human citizens of the world, I am afraid to say that we are living in the midst of a grave injustice.
While our bear friends spend their autumn months carelessly gorging on sweet treats and fatty meats, we are running on treadmills and avoiding leftover Halloween candy.
In January, while our bear friends sleep soundly in their cozy caves, we walk to work in the snow, we slip on ice, we never see the sun, and the flu virus hounds us at every turn.
In spring, when we are desperately juice cleansing and dieting to get back into our bikini bodies, our bear friends wake up from their slumber feeling skinny and well rested.
And all year round, I am very, very sleepy. Meanwhile, those bears feel alert, well rested and confident due to a three month long beauty rest.
So I ask you, fellow humans, why are bears allowed the privileges of hibernation while the modern person must endure all the trials of winter? Especially when THE BEARS are the ones with the fur coats! We don’t even have fur!
Why are bears so special, huh? Just because they can catch a salmon with their bare (bear?) paws? Is that enough of a reason that they should get to snooze while the rest of toil away in the depths of winter? No.
I say we call on United States of America, on the United Nations, on Oprah Winfrey, to declare that hibernation should no longer remain a privilege afforded to the elite (bears,) but a basic and unalienable human right.
Will you join me?
Wake me up when it’s spring.
I think this song needs an update. I mean, who would want that many live birds? Or would allow random strangers to dance, leap and milk livestock all over their home? Gross.
Plus, I think it needed to be more inclusive, and therefor non-denominational.
So I made some swaps.
On the 12th Day of My Chosen Winter Holiday, My Significant Other Gave to Me….
12 Drummers Drumming 12 Summer Houses for Summering 11 Pipers Piping 11 iPads for Typing 10 Lords a Leaping 10 Duvets for Sleeping 9 Ladies a Dancing 9 Mercedes a Driving 8 Maids a Milking 8 Handmade Blouses (Silken) 7 Swans a Swimming St Johns for Swimming 6 Geese a Laying Six Avenue Lease without Paying 5 Golden Rings 5 Platinum Rings 4 Calling Birds 4 Years of Being Chauffeured 3 French Hens 3 French Fountain Pens 2 Turtle Doves 2 Cashmere Gloves A Partidge in a Pear Tree A Cartier in a Pear Cut
Not only did I write a new song, I wrote your holiday wish list too. You’re welcome.
Come summertime we hear a lot about getting that perfect bikini body, but what about it’s cold weather compatriot, the sweater body?
Ah yes, how do we achieve that optimally lumpy, pale bulk now that we’re entering into the dark, depths of winter?
How do we pack on a layer of blubber to keep us warm on these chilly nights?
How do we get that little extra cushion to pad our falls as we ski, skate and engage in other festive pastimes?
Yes, how do we fill out those oversized sweaters and look just a bit more like Mr.Claus?
Well, sisters, it’s as easy as pie! Literally just eat pie!
..And Christmas cookies. And latkes, and sour cream, and applesauce, and gelt, and candy canes, and shepherd’s pie and hot cocoa with whipped cream, and raclette, and green bean casserole, and cranberry walnut muffins, and mulled wine, and eggnog, and those tasty gingerbread chocolate cookies, and baked brie, and everything else vaguely seasonal and calorie-laden!
Sending tiny thank you in the universe that carb season and sweater season happen at the same time.
It’s National Cookie Day! Treat Yourself!