I mean, the whole “friends and family” thing gets a lot of play around this time of year, but there are so many wonderful things that fly under the Thanksgiving radar. Here are ten underrated things to be thankful for tomorrow, and all days:
10. That bobby pin at the bottom of your purse. The one that languishes day in and day out next to the restaurant mints and chapstick, until that very moment you need it most, that moment when your bangs are doing something strange, or a chunk of hair has escaped your sock bun. And there it is! Bad hair day averted! Thank you rogue bobby pin, thank you.
9. Two seats to yourself on a train. Oh looky here, duffel bag, you get your very own seat! No riding on the floor for you today, madam baggy von duffel.
8. Antibiotics. Got strep throat? Well, thanks to some moldy bread a few years back, that achy throat will no longer send you to other side of the river styx, and I think that’s pretty darn cool. Thank you science/medicine/perishable carbohydrates, thank you.
7. Cashmere is so soft and so warm. How do those cashmere goats do that? It’s nothing short of witchcraft. One day, I want to own a cashmere blanket and pajama set. I will live in that blanket, wear those sinfully soft jammies and want for nothing. Thank you cashmere for giving me something to strive for in life.
6. The food delivery men and women of New York. Any time of day, any cuisine, from sushi to shakshuka, all I have to do is punch my credit card information into Seamless web, and 30-45 minutes later, I have dinner. Thank you, food delivery people, for feeding me and never forgetting to insult me with that extra pair of chopsticks. (No, this pad thai is just for me, okay? Who did you think these chopsticks were for?? Oh, I see what you did there, you sneaks!)
5. Gchat, thanks for letting me talk to my best buddies whenever I want, on topics of little to no importance. You are like a carrier pigeon on amphetamines and I cannot imagine being at my computer and not being to instantly share an amazing picture of a baby sloth, or something cool a corgi did, with my nearest and dearest. That would suck so much! I’d just be all alone with my thoughts on the corgi. And that’s a dark place to be in…their legs are so short. Why? Who made them like that? Anyway, thank you, Gchat, for giving purpose to the internet.
4. Dresses. Oh man, I almost never have to wear pants because of dresses! Somehow society has told us that it is A-OK for ladies to walk around in what is basically an oversized top while our male counterparts must restrict their jambes in denim and cords. Ugh, those poor bastards. I feel for them, I do. But every day I get to put on a large sweater, call it a dress, and have my legs feel the sweet breeze of freedom is a good day indeed. Thank you, dresses.
3. Seltzer. Seltzer is basically the Champagne of water, super fancy and it comes in special bottles. Seltzer has all the fun of soda and all of the hydration of water, but it doesn’t make you fat, and isn’t super boring. Bloomberg didn’t put a limit on seltzer because it’s unconstitutional to put a limit on AWESOME. Thank you, seltzer, you bubbly little friend, for making sure I get my fill of H20 and my fill of good ol’ fashioned fun.
2. Remote controls. I mean, do I even have to elaborate here? Can you imagine getting off the couch every single time you wanted to flip between New Girl and Happy Endings? Woof. Thank you remote controls for enabling my laziness and addiction to prime time chick shows, thank you.
1. Ugh, fine, friends and family are the best. Are you happy, magical thanksgiving turkey who lords over this day? I hope you are.
I love all of you weirdos.
“As I stood outside in Cow Lane, it occurred to me that Heaven must be a place where the library is open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
No, eight days a week.” — ― Alan Bradley, The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie
Is Elmo a Socialist?
After posting the photo of President Elmo on the phone with the Pentagon, I started talking to my good friend, Dana about how Elmo would fare as president. Dana and I came to the shocking conclusion that Elmo may be a socialist. Here are our top 5 reasons why:
5. As a puppet, Elmo is naturally a strong supporter of puppet governments.
4. Elmo loves to share. It’s his favorite thing. He shares cookies, toys and songs. He probably loves to share wealth as well.
3. Elmo talks in solely in the third person in order to never take personal responsibility, but to shift blame to the collective whole
2. Elmo’s segment is called Elmo’s World and is a utopian society that is derived from theory (and imagination) instead of reality
1. He is RED.
I love Elmo no matter what he believes in.
P.S. Fun Fact: Elmo is the only non-human to appear before Congress. In 2002, he appareled for increased funding in music education. He did not mention all the little laborers singing and working together for the good of the collective nation state. He may just be a regular old muppet democrat.
President Elmo on the phone with the Pentagon today.
An Open Letter to Electricity, Hot Water, Cell Phone Service and the Upper East Side,
Look you guys, I’m sorry I took you all for granted.
I’m sorry that I didn’t appreciate how nice it was to see in the dark, to cross the street without fear of imminent death due to the wonders of stoplights, to keep your food cold until which time you wanted to eat it. Electricity, you are pretty awesome. Sorry I treated you like you were invisible (even though, to be fair, you are.)
And you, hot water. Sure, I used to complain about how my shower fluctuated from scalding hot to freezing cold in a matter of seconds, but heck, I’d take a bit of the scalding hot right about now!
And AT&T cellphone service… Sure, sometimes you’d say I had no service when I was in the middle of Manhattan, and I’d get mad, but you’d always figure out where I was eventually! Sure, sometimes a call would go straight to voice mail with nary a ring, and sure, I might have claimed Apple Maps was ruining my life, but I didn’t realize how good I had it until one day I was in the middle of Manhattan and really did have no service. Woof.
And Upper East Side? I owe you the biggest apology. I didn’t think you were cool. But do you know what is cool? Hot water, electricity and cellphone service. And you have all three. You’re not cool. You’re the COOLEST.
Living in downtown Manhattan means I haven’t had any cellphone, internet, power or hot water since Monday. Came up to the UES for some civilization. Really makes you appreciate the small stuff.
This is Penny. Penny is staying safe and dry.
Please do the same!
Happy Birthday, lady! I hope your day is filled with headbands, fresh pantsuits and an additional data plan for all your texts!
Oh my god, remember last year when we went out with Angela Merkel, Julia Gillard and Gloria Steinem and had one too many picklebacks? And then Bill surprised us by performing “Birthday Sex” on his saxophone? And then we did karoake and sang “You Don’t Own Me” and “Independent ladies” like a hundred times? That was the best!
But I haven’t seen you in a while…I mean, I know it’s not easy being named the woman that Americans admire most for 10 years in a row, so I’d like to offer you some girl time.
On MY 2008 birthday, you were announced as Obama’s nominee for secretary of state. What a treat!
In order to return the favor on your birthday, why don’t you come over to my place? We’ll have some wine, I’ll cook up a delicious and healthy quiche. We can put on our comfy pants and have a nice catch up chat.
We can talk about boys (gross), international relations (cray cray) and maybe about how to be a kick ass lady in general. I’ll even teach you how to do a sock bun if you teach me how to master diplomacy. I think that’s a fair trade, don’t you?
Anyway, think it over, no rush. I’ve always got time for you, bestie.
It’s Hillary Clinton’s birthday. I wish she was my friend.
Beware, beware of Frankenstorm!