One minute after yoga- I am so zen. I’m at one with the world and all is fine. Oh hello little rat rustling through garbage, how are you this evening? Don’t you know that we are all made of stardust? You didn’t? Well now you do! I hope you use all your senses to fully enjoy the bounty of the trash can and to acknowledge all the devine forces that brought that fortuitous chicken nugget to you this evening. What an absolutely beautiful, perfect moment. I will go buy a smoothie and revel in the infinite wisdom of the universe.
Five minutes after yoga- Okay, seriously sir, I asked for PINEAPPLE and strawberry, and this is MANGO and strawberry! What the hell is wrong with you? SIX dollars? For this fruit mush? Are you INSANE? Credit card minumum? You cannot be serious, you can not honestly be serious right now, sir. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CITY? I HATE EVERYONE.
“No unloving words were ever spoken, and everything was held up as another small piece of proof that it can be this way, it doesn’t have to be that way; if there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it heavy walls, and we will furnish it with soft red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweler’s felt so that we should never hear it.”—Everything is Illuminated
Ingredients: 1 Fitted Jersey Sheet 1 Top Jersey Sheet 4-4 Pillows (Soft) 1-2 Down Comforters
Layer ingredients to your choosing, with pillows ergonomically placed by one’s head, between one’s knees and in the little spoon grabbing position. Then curl up in the fetal position and roll, making sure to have the grip of death on all blanket layers. Make final adjustments, including giving oneself a breathing hole.
I just don’t understand why I haven’t won any awards for my blanket engineering feats. I mean, I literally do these things in my sleep. Shouldn’t that be impressive to someone besides myself?
9:37am @CoffeeMCHN Morning tweeps, the best part of waking up is some barely palatable coffee in your cup! #Fauxlgers 9:40am @CoffeeMCHN Oh boohoo, you burned yourself. What did you think I was an ice coffee machine? 9:41am: @CoffeeMCHN RT if you agree #CautionThisBeverageMachineisExtremelyHot 10:05am @CoffeeMCHN Do you know what blue tie man? I bet you’ve never even tasted poop! How can you accurately say thats what the cafe mocha option tastes like?? Do your research man! 10:08am @CoffeeMCHN …I wish I was an ice coffee machine, maybe then I’d finally get respect 10:15am @CoffeeMCHN Hey @H20Cooler did you just burp?
The coffee machine at work sounds like it is signing on to AOL when it brews a cup. I think it just being dramatic
In the long shadow of summer, there lies a night where the veil between the dead and the living is lifted. Skeletons rise from the dark and dance to the dizzying beat of the dance macabre with mere mortals. Sparkling jewels, and the finest robes are splayed out for the taking, and in the resulting crush, souls are torn asunder, lost for breath, fingers still clutched ‘round their ill gotten gains.
Tis not night for the light hearted, for those pure of soul. But for those willing to take the chance to spy a living skeleton, to find reduced fares on shiny baubles and gilded things, it is there, just once a year.
Marni: I saw a mouse on the sidewalk by my apt yesterday Claire : NOO Claire: Marni nooo Marni: It was teeny tiny Marni: and outside Marni: it was an outdoor mouse Marni: and it had a teeny tiny pair of chuck taylors on and a teeny little striped sweater. He said his name was Stuart Little and that he was on his way to volunteer!
I find personification makes everything less scary. Oh whats that, Mr. Tarantula? Your mustache won a prize at the State Fair? How wonderful!
There is a six part documentary series, narrated by Morgan Freeman, with a soundtrack by Passion Pit, all about space. It features lots of wide angle shots, dreamy time lapses and every once in a while, it will cut to Ryan Gosling snuggling a baby panda. They will play in a continuous loop on an HD channel which offers many free warm chocolate chip cookie giveaway contests.
“At any rate, let us love for a while, for a year or so, you and me. That’s a form of divine drunkenness that we can all try. There are only diamonds in the whole world, diamonds and perhaps the shabby gift of disillusion.”— F. Scott Fitzgerald, A Diamond as Big as the Ritz
Dana: Aren’t unicorns supposed to be white and kinda glowy? Marni: This guy is just a baby Dana: Well shouldn’t baby unicorns be even more pretty than full grown unicorns? Marni: I think it’s like Dalmatians, how they don’t get their spots till their older. Unicorns probably don’t get their heavenly glow and sugar sparkles till they’re a little older Dana: I see your point
Dana and I discussing fine art in response to this
“What really knocks me out is a book that, when you’re all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it..”—J.D. Salinger
This morning I entertained the idea of taking the A train instead of the B train. And taking said A train all the way to JFK, where I would board an AirFrance morning flight to Orly. After disembarking, I would take the Metro to the Hotel de Ville stop. There I would grab a pain au chocolat, a cafe au lait and set out to walk along the quays in the rosy afternoon sun.
Instead I took the B train. Lame. But here is some music to help me live in the A train world.
Excessive Heat Warnings Today for Manhattan. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: Sweating like a Banshee, Turning Bright Red, Frizzy Hair, Throwing Oneself into Public Fountains, Pouring SnoCones Down One’s Shirt, Lurking in Starbucks Under A/C Units, the Urge to Rip Off One’s Clothes, and a Sudden Desire to Move to Alaska.
Try to Avoid the Following Activities: Taking Public Transportation, Moving at All, Speaking, Going Outside, Wearing Pants, Wearing Shirts, Drinking Dairy Products, Eating Soup, Touching Other People, Being Near Other People, Standing Up.
.. EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING NOW IN EFFECT UNTIL 10 PM EDT THIS EVENING… LOCATIONS… NEW YORK CITY… NORTHEASTERN NEW JERSEY AND THE LOWER HUDSON VALLEY.
* HEAT INDEX VALUES… 105 TO 115 TODAY.
AN EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING IS ISSUED WHEN THE COMBINATION OF HEAT AND HUMIDITY IS EXPECTED TO MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS 105 DEGREES OR GREATER. TAKE EXTRA PRECAUTIONS IF YOU WORK OR SPEND TIME OUTSIDE. WHEN POSSIBLE… RESCHEDULE STRENUOUS ACTIVITIES TO EARLY MORNING OR EVENING. KNOW THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF HEAT EXHAUSTION AND HEAT STROKE. WEAR LIGHT WEIGHT AND LOOSE FITTING CLOTHING WHEN POSSIBLE AND DRINK PLENTY OF WATER.
"On Saturday, he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon. That night he had a stomach ache."
Marni: Get on your secret and imaginary jet and come here! Dana: My imaginary pilot got super drunk last night and didnt come home Marni: Bastard!! Dana: I know Dana: So I called his imaginary co-pilot and he said the last he saw him was at Night Trips (the ONLY Oklahoma city strip club) at 2:30 am getting a lapdance from an imaginary stripper with my imaginary money Dana: It sounded like an imaginary mess
Oh you beautiful thing. Your warm, bright circle face greets me in the morning and puts a spring in my step, a song in my heart, a lightness in my soul. You brighten up my day and assure me that yes, it’s all right.
I would just like the world to know that I have another, brand new, bouncing baby blog. It is called Le Peanut Gallery. If you like Fine Art, or being a jerk about Fine Art, well, hot damn, this is the place for you!
I know you didn’t always want to be a customer service robot. I bet when you were just a baby bit of scrap metal and gigabytes, you wanted more. You wanted to be a space robot , an underwater robot or heck, even a roomba. But no, fate was cruel and you ended up where no human or bot ever wants to be; in customer service.
So I know it must be hard for you to put on a cheery voice, to ask me a thousand yes or no questions, to give me the same speil over and over again. It can’t be easy redirecting me a thousand times, or to listen to my voice get higher and higher pitched as the inane questions continue. I know you hate it. I hate it too. You were never meant to live like a sphinx, asking riddle after riddle in your role as gate keeper to actual human contact. I want you to be free. So please, just connect me to a real person and go persue your dream of being an iPod.
We will both be so, so much happier.
REPRESENTATIVE. REPRESENTATIVE. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CONNECT ME TO A REPRESENTATIVE!!!
Down four flights of stairs, across the street, down one flight of stairs, down a hallway, down two more flights of stairs, through the doors, through the tunnels, back out through the doors, up a flight of stairs, down a hallway, up another flight of stairs, across four avenues and up another flight of stairs.
…Just getting to work.
I feel like I should most definitely be in Narnia by now.
When our forefathers founded this country they knew we had to get some shit straight. For one, we’d be drinking coffee, not tea, thankyouverymuch. We’d lose the extra “u” in words like rumour and colour beause they were stuupid. We’d hold certain truths to be self evident; life, liberty and the pursuit of a beer and kielbasa at 2p.m. The right to wear jean shorts and a tank top, no matter your gender or size, the right to a few shots of tequila and the subsequent use small explosive devices for entertainment, the right to pee in the ocean, and lay in the sun. The right to eat fried food like there is no tomorrow and wash it down with an Arnold Palmer. And that, kids, was what would make us the Greatest Country on Earth.
Blah blah British blah, freedom and stuff. Ask Sarah Palin, she knows.