“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”—F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
1. Is coffee a juice? No? Are you sure? Isn’t it like, the juice of a coffee bean?
2. What about wine? It’s just the juice of a grape which has gone bad, right?
3. Just passed by a platter of free Chinese food at the office. Contented myself by just smelling it and felt proud. Then started wondering if sweet and sour sauce counts as a juice.
4. Apparently nothing counts as a juice except the juices I’ve been provided with. What sorcery is this?
5. Does being really healthy make you really mean? Unsure as I’m feeling healthy, but have started throwing office supplies at my deskmate.
6. To be fair, he ate an entire baguette sandwich right in front of me. That was rude.
7. Have started singing little songs about juice to get myself psyched up. Songs include, but are not limited to: Juice Train (to Cat Steven’s Peace Train), Juicy Juicy Juicy Rockin’ Everywhere, and 525,600 Juices (from RENT)
8. Deskmate has started throwing things back at me, to be fair, I am singing about juice.
9.Went on Pinterest and immediately had to shut it down after I started pawing at the screen over a picture of tomato soup served in a sourdough bread bowl with a Parmesan crust.
10. Is tomato soup served in a sourdough bread bowl with a Parmesan crust a juice?
I am on the last leg of a three day juice cleanse. Though all the toxins are being flushed from my body, I fear a bit of my sanity may have slipped out as well.
Coworker: So I have this blog about clouds and what they really mean. It’s supposed to be funny, like this cloud is what it’s like to be a stamp in a world where everyone emails…
Marni: Oh my god, that is JUST like the Joni Mitchell song “Both Sides Now” where she originally thinks clouds are fairy castles and scoops of ice cream. But then she realizes, no, clouds SUCK. Like they just rain on you and ruin EVERYTHING! And then she thinks, y’know what? That’s exactly like LOVE which also seems nice but then goes ahead ruins everything!!
I’ve been trying to not blurt out responses in my daily life, but instead take a pause and answer like a normal person. It is not as easy at it may seem.
Q: How’s it Going?
Marni’s World: Well, I had a vegetable juice for lunch, so at first I was feeling really healthy and at one with the universe, but now I’m feeling irritable and I just want to slap everyone see in the face. Not a hard slap, per se, but just a good whack. Oh and I keep dreaming about buffalo wings. Is that normal? What IS normal? What is the meaning of life? Will I ever be able to pull off a maxi skirt? Will J.K. Rowling’s new book be any good? These are the things that keep me up at night. You?
Real World: Fine, thanks for asking, how about yourself?
Q: I like your necklace, where is it from?
Marni’s World: Thank you! I like how there are animals AND flowers AND beads, it’s like pick one! But no, don’t, haha, PUT ALL OF THE THINGS ON!! Like, this thing over here is a hammerhead shark and this thing is some sort of bear-zebra hybrid…I think it’s all about evolution. Anyway, I was really feeling like Miss Frizzle today and just ran with it.
Real World: Thank you very much. It is from Alice + Olivia.
Q: Can I try a bite of that?
Marni’s World: NO. This brownie is the only thing keeping me going today and if you take it away, there’s a good chance I’ll just snap. Like, I’ll tear off all my clothes, turn this table over and run screaming from the room. Seriously, if you even try to get near this, I swear to god, I will bite your hand. With my teeth.
Real World: Of course, help yourself.
——— Q: Have you heard that Call Me Maybe song?
Marni’s World: Um, DUH! I live, breathe, eat and am Call Me Maybe. I can’t even tell someone to simply “call me” anymore, I just add “Maybe?!” on the end and crack myself up. every.single.time. I was thinking of seeing if I could talk to a medical professional or something because I think I have an addiction.
Real World: Once or twice, it’s pretty catchy, huh?