Marni: The 1840’s was just like the Jersey Shore… little known fact
Vanessa: Another movie script waiting to happen
Marni:Whiggin’ Out …is what I would title my 1840’s party film
Marni: Where a young Jebediah Smith thinks that by throwing the most epic barn raising imaginable, he’ll be able to woo the mayor’s daughter, Miss Lorena Hart …But will her father’s Whig politics and his view of Congress having more power than the President get in the way?… Especially since Andrew Jackson is supplying the hard cider for the party?
Coooocooo, you look really fat in that skirt, coooocooo, your thighs look like sausages, hoo hooo hooo.
Coooocooo, good luck trying to make that quiche with an inch of counter space, you silly bitch, hooohoohooo.
Cooocooo, you spilled coffee everywhere, cooocooo, that stain will never come out, you’ve ruined that throw pillow forever, cooo hoooohooo.
Hoocooocooo, I saw that right there! You tripped over your laptop cord. You thought no one saw, but I did! Hooocooocooo.
Coooocoooo, I just pooped on your air conditioner, hooo hooo hooo.
We have an obese pigeon who always sits on our air conditioning unit. He is an extremely loud coo-er and I can hear him from every room. It really does seem like he might be sitting there, judging and laughing at us. I named him Mr.Featherbottom. Who has the last laugh now?
Marni’s World: Things I Believe Should Be Incorporated into the Modern Workplace:
1. Nap Time: 30 minutes where we turn the harsh fluorescent lights off, lie down on the floor and take a snooze would be the B.E.S.T. In Spain, they call this a siesta and it’s practically the law. Considering the Spanish invented Paella, I’m pretty sure they know what they’re doing here.
2.Snack Time: Around 3pm, I would enjoy nothing more than a graham cracker and a cup of apple juice. Or some apples slices with peanut butter. Or some goldfish and pretzels. Or a chocolate chip cookie with a glass of milk…Why must I pretend I am still full from lunch? Why must I live I lie?
3.Arts & Crafts: It is so important for the modern worker to have an outlet to express his or her creativity, even in the confines of Corporate America. If once a month, we all sat down and made a seasonally appropriate craft, I believe it would not only help us work better together, but probably lead to a thousand great ideas! (And a lot of glitter in our cubicles..)
4. Recess: Did you know sitting all day is bad for your health? Get up America, let’s move! That’s what Michelle Obama says anyway, and I think we should listen to the lady. She sure didn’t get those impressive biceps from typing all day!
The list should be really titled Things from Kindergarten That I Believe Should Be Incorporated into the Modern Workplace. Man, Kindergarten really knew how to do things correct!
When I, Princess Marni, deign to take the fairest mode of transportation, the subway, it is a most transcendent experience. Gliding down the mahogany staircase, I lift my skirts just a tad so as not to brush them on the fine oriental carpets that line the steps. The string quartet in the corner brings their song into a crescendo as I hand my ticket stub to the tuxedo’d usher.
He takes me hand and brings me to the gilded platform where I must await my train. Canapes are passed around and I take a seat on a plush divan, so as better to enjoy the complimentary gin fizz.
With a polite whistle, my train pulls up, and the doors open. Passengers cordially step out of the train as those waiting to enter respectfully step aside. Once it is our turn, we board one at a time. The compartment is air conditioned and smells of lilacs. There is ample seating for all. We sit together quietly, using our inside voices and keeping our hands to ourselves. We watch the scenic underways of Manhattan go by in a soft reverie until the train stops exactly and promptly at our destination.
Reluctantly, I leave the underground palace for the world above.
Newt Gingrich recently talked poorly of the “Manhattan elites” who “ride the subway.” I don’t think he’d speak of the subway as a fancy thing if he’d ever been on the 6 train at rush hour.
I am under water and it is cold. Very cold. Beyond-the-Wall cold. Polar bear plunge cold. No seriously, is this water directly imported from the Arctic Circle? That is the only explanation for how cold this water is, it’s just inhumane!
Okay, well now it’s not that bad. Kind of nice and refreshing. Oh, just got a little warmer, how perfect. One might even say it’s tropical!
Just a bit warmer and now it is—- SCALDING HOT. Dear god, why? It burns, it burns! Am I in hell? What is happening?! This is the kind of water that only those weird tulip worm things that live near volcanic vents can deal with and I am not one of those worms! I am a human being and I am being boiled alive!!
Ow ow ow, okay, it’s a bit better, a bit more manageable, a bit cooler…
Oh, no, no, no, no, it is freezing cold again. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Just showering in Manhattan. It’s quite an adventure.