Excessive Heat Warnings Today for Manhattan. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: Sweating like a Banshee, Turning Bright Red, Frizzy Hair, Throwing Oneself into Public Fountains, Pouring SnoCones Down One’s Shirt, Lurking in Starbucks Under A/C Units, the Urge to Rip Off One’s Clothes, and a Sudden Desire to Move to Alaska.
Try to Avoid the Following Activities: Taking Public Transportation, Moving at All, Speaking, Going Outside, Wearing Pants, Wearing Shirts, Drinking Dairy Products, Eating Soup, Touching Other People, Being Near Other People, Standing Up.
.. EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING NOW IN EFFECT UNTIL 10 PM EDT THIS EVENING… LOCATIONS… NEW YORK CITY… NORTHEASTERN NEW JERSEY AND THE LOWER HUDSON VALLEY.
* HEAT INDEX VALUES… 105 TO 115 TODAY.
AN EXCESSIVE HEAT WARNING IS ISSUED WHEN THE COMBINATION OF HEAT AND HUMIDITY IS EXPECTED TO MAKE IT FEEL LIKE IT IS 105 DEGREES OR GREATER. TAKE EXTRA PRECAUTIONS IF YOU WORK OR SPEND TIME OUTSIDE. WHEN POSSIBLE… RESCHEDULE STRENUOUS ACTIVITIES TO EARLY MORNING OR EVENING. KNOW THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF HEAT EXHAUSTION AND HEAT STROKE. WEAR LIGHT WEIGHT AND LOOSE FITTING CLOTHING WHEN POSSIBLE AND DRINK PLENTY OF WATER.
"On Saturday, he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon. That night he had a stomach ache."
Marni: Get on your secret and imaginary jet and come here! Dana: My imaginary pilot got super drunk last night and didnt come home Marni: Bastard!! Dana: I know Dana: So I called his imaginary co-pilot and he said the last he saw him was at Night Trips (the ONLY Oklahoma city strip club) at 2:30 am getting a lapdance from an imaginary stripper with my imaginary money Dana: It sounded like an imaginary mess
Oh you beautiful thing. Your warm, bright circle face greets me in the morning and puts a spring in my step, a song in my heart, a lightness in my soul. You brighten up my day and assure me that yes, it’s all right.
I would just like the world to know that I have another, brand new, bouncing baby blog. It is called Le Peanut Gallery. If you like Fine Art, or being a jerk about Fine Art, well, hot damn, this is the place for you!
I know you didn’t always want to be a customer service robot. I bet when you were just a baby bit of scrap metal and gigabytes, you wanted more. You wanted to be a space robot , an underwater robot or heck, even a roomba. But no, fate was cruel and you ended up where no human or bot ever wants to be; in customer service.
So I know it must be hard for you to put on a cheery voice, to ask me a thousand yes or no questions, to give me the same speil over and over again. It can’t be easy redirecting me a thousand times, or to listen to my voice get higher and higher pitched as the inane questions continue. I know you hate it. I hate it too. You were never meant to live like a sphinx, asking riddle after riddle in your role as gate keeper to actual human contact. I want you to be free. So please, just connect me to a real person and go persue your dream of being an iPod.
We will both be so, so much happier.
REPRESENTATIVE. REPRESENTATIVE. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CONNECT ME TO A REPRESENTATIVE!!!
Down four flights of stairs, across the street, down one flight of stairs, down a hallway, down two more flights of stairs, through the doors, through the tunnels, back out through the doors, up a flight of stairs, down a hallway, up another flight of stairs, across four avenues and up another flight of stairs.
…Just getting to work.
I feel like I should most definitely be in Narnia by now.
When our forefathers founded this country they knew we had to get some shit straight. For one, we’d be drinking coffee, not tea, thankyouverymuch. We’d lose the extra “u” in words like rumour and colour beause they were stuupid. We’d hold certain truths to be self evident; life, liberty and the pursuit of a beer and kielbasa at 2p.m. The right to wear jean shorts and a tank top, no matter your gender or size, the right to a few shots of tequila and the subsequent use small explosive devices for entertainment, the right to pee in the ocean, and lay in the sun. The right to eat fried food like there is no tomorrow and wash it down with an Arnold Palmer. And that, kids, was what would make us the Greatest Country on Earth.
Blah blah British blah, freedom and stuff. Ask Sarah Palin, she knows.