Marni: I will need lots of La Perla because I’ll be looking like MK Olsen Princess Stephanie: Obvi and we already know the Olsens are big La Perla fans. Marni: Wow, I wonder if they will see us and be like “OMG, we didn’t know we were secretly quadruplets!” Princess Stephanie: Probably and then they will feel terrible about missing out on the first 23 years of our lives and to beg for our forgiveness they will bestow on us equal shares of their company and then we will quit our day jobs and hang with MK and A doing whatever it is they do all day long Marni: Probably just chain smoking and napping in piles of money, then putting on eyeliner made of black diamonds Princess Stephanie: Is this going to show up on the blog? Marni: yep
Imagine the ultimate predator; the Great White shark; moving silently and lethally through the ocean, attacking with precision, leaving a blood bath in its wake.
That shark is me, John ”Danger” Smith.
Private equity challenges are the baby seals that I eat for breakfast. I have sharpened my rigorous anyaltical skills like so many serated teeth. Whether I am creating cost structure analyses or doing market due diligence, I always move swiftly and agressively. And if I stop swimming, I die, I literally die. That’s how dedicated I am.
I have enclosed my resume below. I believe I can be a powerful predator in the tumultous sea of private equity. At your company, every week can be shark week.
John “Danger” Smith
Helped someone edit their cover letter. Wrote this as an alternative “aggressive” option.
It’s the middle of the night in this rural Pennsylvania town, and the only light comes from the stars above. Slowly, I creep towards the darkened house.
When we get to the door, Humprhey the bunny flattens his rib cage and squeezes underneath. I hear the lock click and the door swings open. “We’re in!” he says into his headset, and Dale the Chimp disables the security alarm from inside the van.
We tiptoe towards the bedroom and our flashlights find the bed. Quickly, very quickly, I locate the target and trap her in a net. She yells and squirms, but I throw her over my shoulder as we race out into the night.
”Drive!” I yell and Dale hits the gas. We drive off and Dale laughs “New York, here we come.”
My best friend lives too far away and I want to kidnap her. I’m also creepy.
Gingerly, very gingerly, they emerged from their cocoons, blinking in the bright sunlight. The winter had been long and dark and they had thought this day would never come. A warm breeze unfurled their brightly colored wings and shook the dust away onto the air. And then, happily, they began to buzz. To the untrained ear, it sounded a lot like they were humming to the tune of “Good Day Sunshine.”
Real World: Warm and sunny out today! Floral dresses and sunglasses all around as all the little worker bees take leisurely lunches on Lexington.
Marni’s World: Oh man, I got these guys so, so, so good.
I came into work and like the Grinch on Christmas Eve, I got to work. I incased everything they had on their desk in jello. I jammed their drawers so they’d only open an inch. I wrapped their chairs up in wrapping paper and changed their computer’s language to Korean. Then I posted an ad on craigslist saying I was giving away Lady Gaga tickets with their cellphone numbers. Finally, I released three pigs into the office with the numbers 1, 3, and 4 painted on them. Those suckers will be looking for that 2nd pig all day.
I put tape over someone’s mouse sensor and laughed hysterically when they checked the USB port. Jig was up pretty quick.