I am going to write the best, funniest post and it’ll star Rufus, the alcoholic bear cub, and Roscoe, the food delivery Saint Bernard, and the rest of the crew. There will be princesses and cabernet sauvignon, and cheetos. And it will be so freaking witty and at the end they’ll be a song that perfectly sums up the theme. The moral of the story will be something along the lines of “Don’t Stop Believing’” and also “Whip my Hair.” You’ll love it. You all will.
Real World: Eh, just going to look at pictures of puppies online instead.
Cookies: Marni’s World: I will make sugar cookies and gingerbread men from scratch and they will be flawlessly decorated with rainbow icing, sprinkles and love. Real World: Icing is $7 a pop? Are you serious? Am only buying two colors…I do not have time to make these puppies from scratch..vanilla extract is HOW much?? Fine, I’ll just buy the pre-made pillsbury dough…take cookies out of oven in miniature kitchen and sustain unsightly 1st degree burn on arm. Motor skills are impaired by burn, and cookies look as if they were decorated by a drunk baby.
Tree: Marni’s World: I will buy a locally sourced, free range tree from some charming woodsman and deck it in the finest, individualized ornaments. Each ornament will be filled with personal meaning that will inspire nostalgia, glee and a slight wistfulness. Real World: We buy our tree from a bodega. It falls over. I deck it in Duane Reade ornaments and prop it against the wall. ( I love it anyway)
Presents: Marni’s World: Off to Bloomingdale’s I shall go! I’ll sip hot cocoa as I browse racks of cashmere and hum along to holiday music. I’ll sample perfumes and lotions, try on winter coats and shall take my time perusing each display till I find the exact perfect thing. Real World: Hells Bells, there must be 10 million people in this store. It is a thousand degrees, I’m sweating…Just got pushed by an old lady, hey- just got stampeded by an entire Asian family. Where are the coats?? How many escalators have I been on? Oh god, there is no oxygen here, help! Get me out of here before I go feral! Eff this, I’m shopping online.
I am starting a company that makes organic, free range, locally sourced bacon. Our farm will be just outside the city and our pigs will be very carefully raised on a diet of kosher (organic) pickles, sweet potatoes and hugs. They will play badminton or hide and seek at least once a day, get to roll in mud from the Dead Sea and will be each given an ol’ timey 1920’s name like Ernest and Ginger.
Ernest, Ginger and Friends will get to live out their days in the lavender fields until they die of old age. On their death beds, they will be surrounded by friends and loved ones, and a farmer will softly play the harp till they ascend to the pearly gates. Then they will be taken by a sensitive artist type who will turn them into tasty, tasty bacon.
I will then package the bacon in authentic brown butcher paper, tie it with twine specially made for me by artisans in Ithaca, and seal it with a label from some guys I found on Etsy.
At first I will sell the bacon from a gingham blanket out of the back of red 1950’s pickup truck that I paid tens of thousands of dollars for, but will loving refer to it as “this old girl.” But soon demand will grow too high and I’ll open a shop in Brooklyn which is made all out of reclaimed bowling alley floors and old Heineken bottles (Totally LEEDS certified, don’t worry)
Marni: My eye is twitching today..thought i’d share Claire: I hate that Claire: Also that’s weird bc some girl posted on facebook about that and someone told her to pull on her eyelids..try it. Marni: It worked! Wow, finally just understood the value of social media.
The songs range from Edith Piaf’s “Paris” to Lil Mama’s “Lip Gloss” and hit up some early 00’s classics such as Simple Plan and Sum 41.
Christina: We just wanted to get our emotions out for you Marni: Wow its going to be an emotional roller coaster Christina: It sure is.. you’ll laugh, you’ll cry Marni: I’ll scream Marni: I’ll have an epileptic fit Marni: Then I’ll chuckle Marni: Then I’ll smile wistfully out a rain spattered window Marni: Then I’ll look in the mirror and sob as I cut my hair off with blunt scissors after which, I’ll skip merrily down a street, buying pastries and humming to myself Marni: Then I’ll probably get in a fist fight with a police officer Marni: And by that point, some one better medicate me Marni: Or take my headphones away
Christina: No you really will.. this is going to take you to emotional places you never thought you could go