You know how the Germans seem to have a bunch of awesome words that easily express things that it takes us anglophones a whole sentence to say? Like schadenfreude, which means taking pleasure from someone else’s pain?
Unicorgi with your nose so bright, won’t you guide us to cocktails tonight?
Happy Holidays from Marni’s World!
Years ago, way before your bubbe met your grandpa, a bunch of meshengeners schlepped all the way across the ocean. Oy, it was a cold and long journey, they were covered in shmutz and the kevetching didn’t stop till they reached America. Now as I said, this was a very long time ago, so even though they were starving, there wasn’t a decent diner anywhere! There was bupke! What did a pilgrim have to do to get a little nosh? “I’ll just sit here and starve to death,” they thought, “no, no don’t get just bagels on account of me!”
Luckily, some of the pilgrims with a bit more chutzpah shmoozed these nice Indians they met. They broke the ice by passing around pictures of their grandsons and the Indians agreed that they really did have shayna punams. Once that was settled, these menches invited the pilgrims over for dinner and some kibbitzing. They all sat their tuches down together for a lovely meal. Everyone pretended it was kosher.
And that’s the whole speil.
Now that the thermometer has dropped below 35 degrees, you may not find me in my usual spots. I know my absence may be alarming to some, but I don’t want to cause anyone undue worry. If you need me, I’ll most likely be in one of the following places:
-In my bed
-In my bed, under one blanket
-In my bed, under two blankets
-Deep, deep in my bed under a mountain of blankets
-On the couch, in sweatpants
-On the couch, in a flannel onesie
-Next to the radiator
-In a bar with a fireplace, next to the fireplace
-A restaurant with a heat source located directly in my table (such as hibachi or fondue)
-In a car, with the butt warmer fired up
-A tropical destination, far far away from this horrid season.
I hate winter. I’m not coming out till Spring.
PS A big hello to my newest reader, Sam! Hi there!
1. Paleo Diet
I initially was super on board with this, because I figured I would get to eat dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, giant turkey legs on the bone, and those “cups of dirt” which are basically chocolate pudding with crushed up Oreos on top.
You basically eat steak and grass. Oreos are apparently not an approved part of this diet. PASS.
2. Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust
I thought this was a book about madelines, those delicious honey sponge cake treats which come in an adorable seashell shape. I thought maybe there was a swan involved too. Maybe it was about a swan who was an excellent baker and his speciality was madelines? And people wouldn’t eat them at first because he was a bird, but just because he was a bird, didn’t mean he wasn’t a great chef? Basically I thought this was Ratatouille with birds.
This is the just one of a seven volume series, but unlike Harry Potter, has zero horcruxes or a plot. Meh.
Based on the hype, I believed a Cronut to be not a cross between a croissant and a donut, but instead a hybrid of the Holy Grail and Dark Magic. I thought upon a single bite, my eyes would turn into cartoon hearts and my feet would lift slightly off the ground and everything around me would turn to technicolor, like Dorothy landing in Oz for the first time. I was inclined to believe I might burst into song.
It’s a good donut, but still, at the end of the day, a donut.
When justice is not carried out to its full extent, sometimes concerned citizens must to take the law into our own hands. The NYPD is a hard working bunch, but they cannot be everywhere, all the time. So hey, I’m happy to lend a helping hand. Today’s citizens arrest is…..
Motorcyclists without Mufflers: Dude, you are on a motorized bicycle for crying out loud, why the hell are you making more noise than an 18 wheeler? WHY? It defies science. A Prius is easily three times as big as you, yet silent as a panther. Why can’t you be more panther-esque in your transportation? Being a panther is cool. Making a ton of noise for no reason is for toddlers. Which would you rather be?
Seriously dudes, when you do your “vroom vroom vroom” through the streets at 2 am you are disturbing the sleep of thousands of New Yorkers who must go to work the next morning as the backbone of this nation’s economy. You are ruining the economy.
You are CITIZENS ARRESTED.
Punishment: Three weeks of listening to dub step non stop in order to fully understand why noise pollution is bad.
If I had enough upper body strength to actually subdue and handcuff someone, I would definitely become a vigilante. Maybe I should invest in some resistance bands or something….