You know how the Germans seem to have a bunch of awesome words that easily express things that it takes us anglophones a whole sentence to say? Like schadenfreude, which means taking pleasure from someone else’s pain?
Unicorgi with your nose so bright, won’t you guide us to cocktails tonight?
Happy Holidays from Marni’s World!
Years ago, way before your bubbe met your grandpa, a bunch of meshengeners schlepped all the way across the ocean. Oy, it was a cold and long journey, they were covered in shmutz and the kevetching didn’t stop till they reached America. Now as I said, this was a very long time ago, so even though they were starving, there wasn’t a decent diner anywhere! There was bupke! What did a pilgrim have to do to get a little nosh? “I’ll just sit here and starve to death,” they thought, “no, no don’t get just bagels on account of me!”
Luckily, some of the pilgrims with a bit more chutzpah shmoozed these nice Indians they met. They broke the ice by passing around pictures of their grandsons and the Indians agreed that they really did have shayna punams. Once that was settled, these menches invited the pilgrims over for dinner and some kibbitzing. They all sat their tuches down together for a lovely meal. Everyone pretended it was kosher.
And that’s the whole speil.
Now that the thermometer has dropped below 35 degrees, you may not find me in my usual spots. I know my absence may be alarming to some, but I don’t want to cause anyone undue worry. If you need me, I’ll most likely be in one of the following places:
-In my bed
-In my bed, under one blanket
-In my bed, under two blankets
-Deep, deep in my bed under a mountain of blankets
-On the couch, in sweatpants
-On the couch, in a flannel onesie
-Next to the radiator
-In a bar with a fireplace, next to the fireplace
-A restaurant with a heat source located directly in my table (such as hibachi or fondue)
-In a car, with the butt warmer fired up
-A tropical destination, far far away from this horrid season.
I hate winter. I’m not coming out till Spring.
PS A big hello to my newest reader, Sam! Hi there!
1. Paleo Diet
I initially was super on board with this, because I figured I would get to eat dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, giant turkey legs on the bone, and those “cups of dirt” which are basically chocolate pudding with crushed up Oreos on top.
You basically eat steak and grass. Oreos are apparently not an approved part of this diet. PASS.
2. Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust
I thought this was a book about madelines, those delicious honey sponge cake treats which come in an adorable seashell shape. I thought maybe there was a swan involved too. Maybe it was about a swan who was an excellent baker and his speciality was madelines? And people wouldn’t eat them at first because he was a bird, but just because he was a bird, didn’t mean he wasn’t a great chef? Basically I thought this was Ratatouille with birds.
This is the just one of a seven volume series, but unlike Harry Potter, has zero horcruxes or a plot. Meh.
Based on the hype, I believed a Cronut to be not a cross between a croissant and a donut, but instead a hybrid of the Holy Grail and Dark Magic. I thought upon a single bite, my eyes would turn into cartoon hearts and my feet would lift slightly off the ground and everything around me would turn to technicolor, like Dorothy landing in Oz for the first time. I was inclined to believe I might burst into song.
It’s a good donut, but still, at the end of the day, a donut.
When justice is not carried out to its full extent, sometimes concerned citizens must to take the law into our own hands. The NYPD is a hard working bunch, but they cannot be everywhere, all the time. So hey, I’m happy to lend a helping hand. Today’s citizens arrest is…..
Cat Callers: So let’s walk through this, shall we? You see a woman on the street, minding her own business and you think, hey, I would like to get to know her more, so I will start off by making her feel uncomfortable. So you say something offensive, or make kissy noises or wolf whistles, or choose the grossest option, whisper something foul right near her ear. And then what? Do you think she’ll be so impressed by your bold take on courtship that she’ll take you into a passionate embrace right then and there? SHE WON’T.
Fact: When you tell a lady to “Smile, baby,” you are actually causing her to vomit a tiny bit into her own mouth.
Fact: When you tell a complete stranger she is “Looking fine.” she wants to push you into oncoming traffic.
When you cat call, you are not complimenting anyone. You’re being a jerk. If you’re lucky all you’ll get a is an evil eye in return, but mostly likely you’ll get a middle finger salute and a more strongly worded version of “Buzz Off.” So stop it, ya jerkwad, no one likes it and you’ll probably need to burn chili peppers to ward of all the hexes bestowed upon you.
You are CITIZENS ARRESTED.
Punishment: One week of constant sexual harassment from a large man named Bubba. How ‘bout them apples?
I’m still waiting for my honorary badge and cuffs so that I may bring justice to our city streets.