My rich interior life.

New Words for Modern Life, Volume 1:

Marni’s World:

Mutualosity- The self affirming joy you feel when you find out someone hates the same person you do.
Example: “When I saw Ed roll his eyes at Christina’s drunken antics, I knew we shared some major mutualosity towards her.”
DejaPoo- The experience of walking into a bathroom that someone else has already stunk up, and the anxiety that when you leave, the next person will attribute the smell to you.
Example: “I swear there was a dejapoo situation when I walked in there, all I did was pee!”
FacePsalm-The immediate feeling of displeasure following the sighting of a religious social media post or #blessed.
Example: ”Did you see when she put a bible verse next to the news about the Yankee’s win? I did a major FacePsalm.”
Out-Gooped- Being one upped by someone in the competition for healthiest lifestyle.
Example: “Jennifer out-gooped Ronald’s paleo lifestyle when she told him that she didn’t eat, she just photosynthesized.”
Carbovation- A new invention in pastries, such as the cronut or the flagel.
Example: “Scientists made a major carbovation yesterday with the discovery of the Muffgette, a muffin baguette hybrid.”
Ralphie- A self portrait (usually someone you dislike, or a smug couple) that gives you a sudden and intense urge to vomit.
Example: “Did you see Frank’s ralphie? Seriously, I GET that you’re at SXSW already.”
Shpringtime-A day with ideal temperature and sunlight levels which allows you to wear shorts and a long sleeve top and feel supremely at ease.
Example: "I can’t wait for it to be Shpringtime, so I can drink an ice coffee and wear a cardigan at the same time."
Real World:

You know how the Germans seem to have a bunch of awesome words that easily express things that it takes us anglophones a whole sentence to say? Like schadenfreude, which means taking pleasure from someone else’s pain?

Well, America is the best country in the world gosh darn it, and if we want to stay competitive, we’ve got to work on making the English language ready for the demands of the 21st century.  I’m leading the charge. You’re welcome.

Bringing this back from the archives. Happy Valentine’s Day, ya cheeseheads.

marnisworld:

Marni’s World:

What with Valentine’s Day right around the corner and all, I was inspired by the romance of the holiday to create a series of Valentine’s Day cards. I thought, what is the most romantic thing in the world? And then it came to me; Cheese.

Share these with your nearest and dearest, so they know how much they (and fermented dairy products) mean to you.

Unicorgi with your nose so bright, won’t you guide us to cocktails tonight?
Happy Holidays from Marni’s World!

Unicorgi with your nose so bright, won’t you guide us to cocktails tonight?

Happy Holidays from Marni’s World!

So…winter is here.

So…winter is here.

Thanksgivingskkuh

Marni’s World:
Years ago, way before your bubbe met your grandpa, a bunch of meshengeners schlepped all the way across the ocean. Oy, it was a cold and long journey, they were covered in shmutz and the kevetching didn’t stop till they reached America. Now as I said, this was a very long time ago, so even though they were starving, there wasn’t a decent diner anywhere! There was bupke! What did a pilgrim have to do to get a little nosh? “I’ll just sit here and starve to death,” they thought, “no, no don’t get just bagels on account of me!”
Luckily, some of the pilgrims with a bit more chutzpah shmoozed these nice Indians they met. They broke the ice by passing around pictures of their grandsons and the Indians agreed that they really did have shayna punams. Once that was settled, these menches invited the pilgrims over for dinner and some kibbitzing. They all sat their tuches down together for a lovely meal. Everyone pretended it was kosher.
And that’s the whole speil.
The end.

Real World:
Happy Thanksgivingukkah!

Happiest birthday to the best neighbear a girl could have!

Happiest birthday to the best neighbear a girl could have!

If you need me, I’ll be…

Marni’s World:

Now that the thermometer has dropped below 35 degrees, you may not find me in my usual spots. I know my absence may be alarming to some, but I don’t want to cause anyone undue worry. If you need me, I’ll most likely be in one of the following places:

Most Likely: 
-In my bed
-In my bed, under one blanket
-In my bed, under two blankets
-Deep, deep in my bed under a mountain of blankets
-On the couch, in sweatpants
-On the couch, in a flannel onesie
-Next to the radiator

Somewhat Likely: 
-In a bar with a fireplace, next to the fireplace
-A restaurant with a heat source located directly in my table (such as hibachi or fondue)
-In a car, with the butt warmer fired up

Best Case: 
-A tropical destination, far far away from this horrid season.

Real World:

I hate winter. I’m not coming out till Spring.

PS A big hello to my newest reader, Sam! Hi there!

Initial Impressions of Things That I Wish Were True

1. Paleo Diet

Initial Impression:
I initially was super on board with this, because I figured I would get to eat dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, giant turkey legs on the bone, and those “cups of dirt” which are basically chocolate pudding with crushed up Oreos on top.

Found Out:
You basically eat steak and grass. Oreos are apparently not an approved part of this diet. PASS.

2.  Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust

Initial Impression:
I thought this was a book about madelines, those delicious honey sponge cake treats which come in an adorable seashell shape. I thought maybe there was a swan involved too. Maybe it was about a swan who was an excellent baker and his speciality was madelines? And people wouldn’t eat them at first because he was a bird, but just because he was a bird, didn’t mean he wasn’t a great chef? Basically I thought this was Ratatouille with birds.

Found Out:
This is the just one of a seven volume series, but unlike Harry Potter, has zero horcruxes or a plot. Meh.

3.  Cronut

Initial Impression:
Based on the hype, I believed a Cronut to be not a cross between a croissant and a donut, but instead a hybrid of the Holy Grail and Dark Magic. I thought upon a single bite, my eyes would turn into cartoon hearts and my feet would lift slightly off the ground and everything around me would turn to technicolor, like Dorothy landing in Oz for the first time. I was inclined to believe I might burst into song.

Found Out:
It’s a good donut, but still, at the end of the day, a donut. 


Citizens Arrest Vol 2

Marni’s World:

When justice is not carried out to its full extent, sometimes concerned citizens must to take the law into our own hands. The NYPD is a hard working bunch, but they cannot be everywhere, all the time. So hey, I’m happy to lend a helping hand. Today’s citizens arrest is…..

Cat Callers: So let’s walk through this, shall we? You see a woman on the street, minding her own business and you think, hey, I would like to get to know her more, so I will start off by making her feel uncomfortable. So you say something offensive, or make kissy noises or wolf whistles, or choose the grossest option, whisper something foul right near her ear. And then what? Do you think she’ll be so impressed by your bold take on courtship that she’ll take you into a passionate embrace right then and there?  SHE WON’T.

Fact: When you tell a lady to “Smile, baby,”  you are actually causing her to vomit a tiny bit into her own mouth.

Fact: When you tell a complete stranger she is “Looking fine.” she wants to push you into oncoming traffic.

When you cat call, you are not complimenting anyone. You’re being a jerk. If you’re lucky all you’ll get a is an evil eye in return, but mostly likely you’ll get a middle finger salute and a more strongly worded version of “Buzz Off.” So stop it, ya jerkwad, no one likes it and you’ll probably need to burn chili peppers to ward of all the hexes bestowed upon you.

You are CITIZENS ARRESTED.

Punishment:  One week of constant sexual harassment from a large man named Bubba. How ‘bout them apples?

Real World:

I’m still waiting for my honorary badge and cuffs so that I may bring justice to our city streets.

Citizens Arrest Vol I

Marni’s World:

When justice is not carried out to its full extent, sometimes concerned citizens must to take the law into our own hands. The NYPD is a hard working bunch, but they cannot be everywhere, all the time. So hey, I’m happy to lend a helping hand. Today’s citizens arrest is…..

Motorcyclists without Mufflers: Dude, you are on a motorized bicycle for crying out loud, why the hell are you making more noise than an 18 wheeler? WHY? It defies science. A Prius is easily three times as big as you, yet silent as a panther. Why can’t you be more panther-esque in your transportation?  Being a panther is cool. Making a ton of noise for no reason is for toddlers. Which would you rather be?

Seriously dudes, when you do your “vroom vroom vroom” through the streets at 2 am you are disturbing the sleep of thousands of New Yorkers who must go to work the next morning as the backbone of this nation’s economy. You are ruining the economy. 

You are CITIZENS ARRESTED.

Punishment:  Three weeks of listening to dub step non stop in order to fully understand why noise pollution is bad.

Real World:

If I had enough upper body strength to actually subdue and handcuff someone, I would definitely become a vigilante. Maybe I should invest in some resistance bands or something….

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